morriganscrow - IT'S BACK!!

Yep, I'm re-posting my sporking of one of Meyshi's masterworks - and here it is!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything in this story, nor any parts of the Harry Potter franchise, property of, and copywritten by, J.K.Rowling and others.
I am not critiquing this story by Meyshi for profit or gain, nor am I reproducing it in its entirety.
This review is for the purposes of satire and parody, as well as my personal entertainment.

STORY/SERIES TITLE: Kick, Ball, Chain. Yup, you're right. What does that have to do with Harry Potter, as created by J.K.Rowling? Simple answer - NOTHING!
CULPRIT AUTHOR: Meyshi - a repeat offender and all-around Drama Queen.
READ IT AND CHOKE ON YOUR OWN VOMIT SPIT: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3685182/1/
FANDOM: The Boy Who Is Pissed Off He Can't Do Magic In This Fic, And Who REFUSES TO GIVE IN TO OVER-SENSITIVE BULLIES WHO HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR, ARE APPALLINGLY THIN SKINNED AND ARE WAY TOO PRECIOUS, GIVEN THAT THEY ARE WRITING FANFICTION, NOT "THE GREAT AMERICAN/BRITISH NOVEL", AND ARE, IN FACT, SKIRTING THE COPYRIGHT LAWS THEMSELVES BY USING CHARACTERS INVENTED AND COPYWRITTEN BY J.K.ROWLING!! *hands Harry back his Caps Lock o' Rage, takes a deep breath and shakily gets down off her soapbox*
FULL NAME: Harry "Dancing Queen" Potter.
HAIR COLOR: "his dark curls".
EYE COLOR: "his emerald eyes shining".
UNUSUAL MARKINGS/COLORATIONS: Has "strong, tan thighs", "well-shaped arms", "his toned, and thin dancer’s body", "his body was the epitome the perfection".
SPECIAL POSSESSIONS, IF ANY: White sheets, a towel, his beloved Aunt Tuney, a BFF!!11one! 11!!! Teegan Gylden, who appears in every freakin' story this nodcock writes, because, unlike us, she's obsessed with the creep.
ANNOYING ORIGIN: The bizarre, hypocritical depths of Meyshi's brain.
ANNOYING CONNECTION TO CANON CHARACTERS: Is impersonating one, gets another's balls.
ANNOYING SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can dance like an unholy cross between Baryshnikov and Britney Spears.
OTHER ANNOYING TRAITS: No magic, for all the kid is named Harry Potter. The inclusion of the OC from Hell, Teegan What's'isname. Hogwarts is a dance academy. In every respect but the names, this is original fiction - poorly written, derivative, banal original fiction.



A/N: It’s me! Meyshi! Once again…the plot bunnies…they just keep humpin’ and making ideas in my head…they won’t leave me alone! And this is why this fic is so clearly fucked. Bad Plot Bunnies! Naughty! Oh, and Suethor? For future reference - fucking bad plots result in fucking bad stories. It's only logical!

Chapter1: Kick, Ball, Chain

At Number 4, Privet Drive in the upstairs bedroom slept Harry James Potter, his strong, tan thighs wrapped around old sheets, stained white with his nighttime 'activities', his dark curls splayed across his pillows. He was dreaming of an incredible contemporary masturbatory routine solo that he would perform in front of all of Hogwart’s Academy of the Sexual Arts. All his friends and peers who cheer him on, gasps at his perfect jumps hand movements, awe at his perfect balance and lines willy and balls and envy at his squirts spins. Yes, he’d be spinning and twirling ejaculating and moaning his way into the world’s heart…whilst flip-flopping tenses all over the place, like live prawns on a hot barbecue.
Then his alarm went off.
The sexy, sultry voice of Fergie filled his ears before he grunted and picked his face up from the floor under the small bed and put it back on, only to find it was all dirty, and had dust bunnies stuck all over the inside in his petite room. Petite: adjective - short and having a small, trim figure; diminutive; noun - a category of clothing sized for women or girls of less than average height and with average or diminutive figures, a garment in such a size, a woman or girl who wears clothing of such a size. [Origin: 1705-15; < F; fem. Of petit]
Arabic: صَغير القَد وَجَمي
Chinese (Simplified): none
Chinese (Traditional): none
Czech: drobný, křehký
Danish: lille og fiks
Dutch: tenger
Estonian: nett
Finnish: siro
French: menue
German: adrett
Greek: μικροκαμωμένος
Hungarian: filigrán
Icelandic: fíngerður
Indonesian: mungil
Italian: piccola
Japanese: none
Korean: none
Latvian: mazs; smalks
Lithuanian: mažutis, smulkutis
Norwegian: liten og fiks, nett
Polish: drobna
Portuguese (Brazil): delicada
Portuguese (Portugal): pequena
Romanian: minionă
Russian: маленькая и изящная
Slovak: útla
Slovenian: drobna
Spanish: chiquita, menuda
Swedish: liten och nätt
Turkish: ufak tefek ve bakımlı, çıtı pıtı

Isn't Google amazing? Hey, I'm a Ravenclaw! So sue me! He nimbly got on to his feet, then quickly on his toes, and then to the ball of his feet ignoring plurals as he stretched out his well-shaped arms. A yawn rasping fart escaping as his arced his back while still on his toes, creating a C-shape with his toned, and thin dancer’s body. Unfortunately, his thoracic spine, weakened by years of undernourishment, fractured with sounds like muffled gunshots and He fell into a spilt if it was a split, he'd be doing irreversible damage to his groins, thereby bleeding to death in agony. The End. and touched his toes and pulled all the kinks in his neck and body. Oh poo....

SNIP.

Today was freshmen-orientation is that not American? at Hogwarts and he and his emo-friend Luna Lovegood *stares* Luna isn't emo! She's too spacey to be emo! would be performing dancing an amazing contemporary contorted Kama Sutra routine choreographed by their decidedly kinky headmaster, his best friend Teegan would be performing a hip-hop BDSM routine with Ginny, while Ron and Hermione where doing anal and fisting. salsa It was the first day of school and Harry was too excited to start his junior year. So he decided to stay home. The End.

SNIP: Some 'bonding' with Dudley, again with bouncing tenses. I think I've got whiplash! *puts on soft cervical collar*

Once Harry got out the phone rung and he knew exactly who it was. For he was psychic, and during the holidays, worked on "Madam Muriel Sees All Clairvoyant and Hot Live Sexx Line, $5.95/min, higher from mobiles, GST included".
“Boy! It’s that ruddy American boy on the phone! Get down here before I hang up on the bugger!” Treasure Vernon, or anyone, being even remotely in character, for it is a rare and beautiful thing in the world of Meyshi!

SNIP.

“Call me an American again and I’ll choke your fish n’ chips--!” That sounds like a euphemism for fondling Vernon's privates Harry’s best friend yelled before he shouted into he phone. How does one tell if a phone is male or not? Is there a tiny penis on the bottom or something?
“I’ve got it Uncle Vernon!” Harry screamed and Harry heard the phone click. He placed his ear to the cordless. “Hello?”
“Harry! Guess what happened? I just found my first pubic hair!" paid my car off and I’m getting it tomorrow!”
“That’s sweet Tee! Well I’ll see it on the bus, yeah?” So it's now the Hogwarts Greyhound, not the Express?
“Yeah, bye…and don’t forget - it's all black, just like yours!”
Harry hung up and went back up to the stairs, his uncle swearing about him dripping water and such such what? Is Harry incontinent? on the floor. He ignored it and got back into his room, locked the door and blasted the radio to some random rock song "Lola" and began dancing as naked as the day God made him. His body was the epitome the perfection. Aack! Urgh! Where's my bucket? *metallic, echo-y splashing noises*

SNIP.

“TURN DOWN THAT BLOODY HIPPITY-HOP HUMPING BUNNY MUSIC DOWN!” Vernon shouted as he banged on Harry’s door. The emerald-eyed dancer sucked his teeth down his throat and choked to death. The End. No? Damn....Actually, on perusing Meyshi's other literary masterpieces, there's a hell of a lot of teeth sucking goin' on. Everyone does it and grabbed his Element® oooh, product insertion! Is the Suethor getting kickbacks for this? skateboard from the corner and shut the radio off.

SNIP.

“It’s that bloody Gylden boy! Ever since you met him those years ago you changed! You're not canon anymore, there's no freakishness for me to burst an aneurysm over. It's just not natural! Dancing like a little poof, that devil’s and testosterone driven music, skating around and such and the pierces! Nice family, I think I can sell Mr Pierce some drills I know that boy’s father -- even he doesn’t know his son went down the tubes!” Vernon shouted as he followed the boy down the stairs and into the kitchen where Harry kissed his aunt on the cheek scaring the living daylights out o...oh, never mind. That would be canon and she handed him a muffin. “Back me up Petunia!” he shouted to his wife and she just waved behind Harry because he'd let one rip and she was trying to fan the stench out as he left through the door.
“Have a nice day Harry. Don’t forget to stretch your anal ring before fucking anybody, or you could end up with a fistula! Have you got lube? It better be water-based, you know what oil-based lubes do to condom latex! I've put a new box of "Rough-Ryder" condoms in your bag too! And send Hermione, Ron and Tee my love, dear! Knock ‘em out of the water, love!”
Harry turned around and smiled at his aunt. “I will Aunt Tuney!” *more splattering noises and muffled retching from your sporker*

SNIP.

AN: Tell me if I should continue For the sake of my intestinal tract and electrolyte balance, please don't or if you like it. Vomiting does not equal applause. My ratings are usually M-rated but the story will soon go off to that. Thank God I avoided the sex scenes! But in the mean time in between time…Review. If I do, will you just delete my comments, or try to hound me off lj, or attempt to sue me, or hold your breath until you turn blue?
I have nothing else to say. TTFN.